Monday, May 10, 2010

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)


People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:1

Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, (i.e. extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving).
Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

PTSD (Post Tramautic Stress Disorder)


sleep disturbances
feeling jittery or “on guard”
being easily startled
loss of interest in things they used to enjoy
general lack of responsiveness
feeling numb
trouble feeling affectionate
irritability, more aggressive than before, or even violent
avoiding certain places or situations that bring back memories
flashbacks or intrusive images (flashbacks can come in the form of images, sounds, smells, or feelings; a person usually believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again)
losing touch with reality
reenactment of an event for a period of seconds or hours or, very rarely, days
problems in school
difficulty concentrating
worry about dying at an early age
regressive behaviors
acting younger than their age (i.e., thumb sucking, bedwetting)
physical symptoms (i.e., headaches, stomach aches)

PTSD can occur at any age and be accompanied by:

substance abuse

Research Week!


This week, I've decided, is going to be research week on a few depression-related diagnoses that are possibilities for a friend of mine. They are, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Through my next two blogs, you will learn a little bit more about these, as well as their symptoms. Here we go!

Monday, May 3, 2010

AP Exam Stress!

Advanced Placement Exams are this week and next week.

AP United States History this Friday, and AP Language and Composition a week from Wednesday. I'm stressing out! More about the AP US than the AP Lang...

The AP US test covers everything from colonial times (when we first set foot in America) until today. That's a lot of history! Ahh!

Due to studying for the AP US Exam, my blogs are a little short. Sorry! But to be honest, blogging isn't as important as doing well on these exams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sorry, I had to. It cheered me up :D

Radioactive Catz

Remote Guard Cat

Sits-Like-A-Person Cat

Munchies Cat

Monkey Cat

Eye on You Cat


Only a Kitten

Big Mistake

I've made a HUGE mistake... and I can't talk to the people I usually talk to because they will be REALLY REALLY REALLY mad at me. I don't know what I'm going to do... Suffer the consequences, I guess :/

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Saturday through Sunday morning, I spent my day with ALL of my dad's side of the family at my aunt and uncle's other house in Petaluma, California. It's really nice out there because it's more open space and it's better for the kids to run around and play outside, as well as inside.

When we got there, we had a little lunch and sat around talking while the kids played in the hot tub. After a while, the kids got out and we started playing soccer.

Then, all of a sudden, my seven year old cousin ran off to the swingset (that my dad made her) to play. She found a caterpillar while there! Then that caused a big fight because there were three kids (my cousins) fighting over one caterpiller! After a few hours, my aunt found another on her chair! By then, one of my cousins had lost interest in the caterpillar, so there were two caterpillars for two kids. Worked out well!

(The awesome thing is, the day I got back from California, my aunt called me to tell me that the caterpillar that was left - we let one go - had built a cuccoon! The kids were so excited!)

It was a lot of fun spending time with my family and adding my cousin's new husband into our tiny little family! :D

Trusting a Seven Year Old on a Friday

At 8:30am on Friday morning, my aunt and five year old girl cousin picked me up from my hotel room (I had gotten in late Thursday night and didn't want to wake the kids up when I got to their house). We first went to breakfast and got to talking a little bit, which was nice because I don't get to see them all that much because we live quite a ways away from eachother.

Next, I went to Special Friends' Day with my seven year old cousin. She was really excited (I was too!) I walked into the elementary school, not really knowing what to expect. The morning started off with a concert, the fourth graders through kindergartners singing two songs per class. My cousin is in first grade, so it was really cute to watch her sing and do her little "dance moves" along with her class.

After Special Friends' Day, my seven year old cousin and I went to lunch. Alone. Even though it was only down the street (like 5 blocks!) from where my cousin lived, it was really difficult to trust a seven year old to get me home safely! ;) It's not that I didn't trust her, it's just that, would you trust a seven year old to get you home?! :) Oh well. It was fun and we did get home!

A few hours after lunch, I went to my five year old cousins's pre-school class. My aunt and I read them a story about trash (for Earth Day) and we made little "bugs" out of egg carton pieces.

After pre-school, it was WEDDING TIME! (see previoius post!)

Wedding Day has Come and Gone

No, not my wedding day! If you've been following my blog, you know that I've been really excited about my older cousin's wedding in San Francisco. Well, it has come and gone.

It was so much fun to see my little cousins and spend time with them. It was fun dancing the night of the wedding away with my kid cousins and with the bride.

I was really excited when the guy that was helping to organize the wedding ran through where the families were standing around and talking. He was yelling "Cousin, Cousin!", and wanting me to follow him downstairs to spend time with the bride until the wedding had started. She and I sat downstairs and talked for about twenty or thirty minutes. It was fun to see my cousin and get some alone time with her, because I knew I wouldn't get to see her much for the rest of my time in California.

For the wedding, my little cousins were the flower girls and the ring barrer. After they walked down the aisle, my seven year old cousin came to sit on my lap. This was a really good thing because it kept me warmer. Since the wedding was on a balcony over the water, it was windy and really cold! Having my cousin sit on my bare legs helped me to stay a little warmer!!!!

The family photos were a lot of fun to take, and I'm so glad I was able to be there for my cousin's wedding. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

New-Found Friends

I just have to dedicate a post to two of my new-found friends.
Yes, I still have my Big Sis and Chels, but it's nice to add two people to the mix.

I've met both of them online, both on Facebook. We've been talking a lot ever since. :)

Ashley is the first person I want to talk about. Ashley has helped me out a lot in getting through everything I need to get through. We have been able to help eachother to smile and she's pulled me from the edge after this breakup, as well as helped me before the breakup.

Grant is the other person I'd like to talk about. He has really helped me to open up to another guy. He understands partially what I'm going through and has let me know time and time again that I will always have him at my side.

Thanks you guys. I don't know what I'd do without both of you, as well as Kt and Chels as well. ♥


So my (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me Saturday afternoon. Yeah, it sucks, I know.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I hurts, obviously. I'm having difficulties moving on, especially when he keeps talking to me over and over again. But I'm hoping it gets easier, or else I'm in for trouble...

Superboy & the Invisible Girl - Next to Normal

This song definitely explains my life right now..... I LOVE THIS MUSICAL! No, I've never seen it, but I love the lyrics and the storyline!

Superboy and the Invisible Girl
Son of Steel and Daughter of Air
He's a hero, a lover, a prince
She's not there

Superboy & the Invisible Girl
Everything a kid oughtta be
He's immortal, forever alive
Then there's me

I wish I could fly
And magically appear and disappear
I wish I could fly
I'd fly far away from here

Superboy and the Invisible Girl
He's the one you wish would appear
He's your hero, your savior, your son
He's not here
I am here

You know that's not true
You're our little pride and joy, our perfect plan
You know I love you
I love you as much as I can

Take a look at the Invisible Girl
Here she is, clear as the day
Please look closely and find her before she fades away

Superboy and the Invisible Girl
Son of Steel and Daughter of Air
He's a hero, a lover, a prince
She's not there
She's not there
She's not there
She's not there

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I know I've been talking about this a lot, but it's because I'm really excited!!!

10 days until my cousin gets married in San Francisco!
10 days until Special Friends' Day at my little cousin's school!
That means only 9 days until I leave!!!
9 days until I get NO SLEEP for 3.5 days due to two 5 year olds and a 7 year old!

But I'm still really excited!!!!

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!

The World Through the Mind of the Depressed

For those of you that don’t know, I’m doing me research paper for AP Lang on depression and suicide. So I figured this blog post was a legit idea!

The marks. Wide, protruding. So obviously there, so obviously evident. Yet no one says anything to her. Not a word.

Maybe she’s finally invisible, unseen by the world that so clearly judges her at first glance. Now that she seems to have gotten what she’s wished for, she feels even more neglected. Maybe no one cares about her, the girl that has clearly gone completely insane.

At least that's what they say.

The truth is, they don't know the first thing about her. They don't understand. That blood, those tears, those wounds, they aren't for attention. She’s not faking this. What she feels is real.

It's all an effect of his wrongdoing. He killed him. And she thinks she’s beginning to be the only one that believes he will serve time for that action we all have hated so much.

Well, he might as well have killed me too.

She’s not the same girl everyone knew and loved. She never will be. These scars and the erasers that caused these marks, they stare up at her, begging to be run up & down her wrist once again.

She stops it, sometimes. As much & as often as she’s able, at least. But only because she doesn't want others to see her new mistakes.

She feels like everyone has given up on this trial to convict this man of his unthinkable sin. She’s the only one who still cares. She’s the only one that wants to see justice served anymore.

At least that's what it seems.

She’s the only one living her life differently. Everyone else has moved on, back to their old lives. Not her. She’s shaken, hurt, and all alone. This has consumed her, and there's nothing she can do about it. There's nothing anyone can do; nothing at all can be done to save her from myself.


One of my good friends suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). There are many different symptoms to PTSD, and not everyone will show them all.

There are three different main categories for symptoms:
Reliving the tramautic event (flashbacks), avoidance (numb feeling, not expression of mood or emotions, sense of having no future, and/or avoiding places or events that can lead back to the cause of the trauma), and arousal (difficulty concentrating, difficulties with sleep, and/or anger).
There are also other symptoms that include Agitation, or excitability, Dizziness, Fainting, Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations), Fever , Headache, and/or Paleness
The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.

There are no tests that can be done to diagnose PTSD. The diagnosis is made based on a certain set of symptoms that continue after you've had extreme trauma. Your doctor will do psychiatric and physical exams to rule out other illnesses.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I've decided that it's time to devote a blog to COLOR GUARD! :)

In color guard, there are three main types of “weapons.” Flags, Rifles, and Sabres.

Flags are the most basic of the three, then Rifles, then Sabres after that.

In color guard, there’s also a lot of terminology that people outside of color guard don’t understand. There’s also a lot of dance in color guard, so there’s all that terminology to learn as well.

There are a lot of different things to do while twirling a flag.
Cones (Stirs, there are many different names)
Single Spins, Double Spins
And many more
Confused Yet?

There are also a lot of different things to do while spinning a rifle.
Single, Double, Triple, Quad, Five, and for some, Six. These are all tosses that spin a different number of times in the air
There are also a lot of cool tricks that can be done and made up by the performer

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Iowa's Famous :)

I didn't know Iowa was so famous, until I read this:
114 year old (oldest in world) died Tuesday. She lived in Iowa :)

If you add this to Ashton Kutcher, Herbert Hoover, and Grant Wood, I guess you could say this state is becoming pretty famous!

But if you compare us to somewhere, like, say, California, we look pretty petty...
Leonardo DiCaprio, Jeff Gordon, Mark McGwire, Richard M. Nixon, Serena & Venus Williams, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, and many more... We look a little petty, don't we? :(

Oh well, we're proud of what we have, aren't we?

Awesome Blogs!

Through Facebook, I have found this amazing blog called Healing after Homicide. It's about a lady who, like me, lost her father to murder. She has her blog linked to my personal blog (not my school blog) and vice versa.

Through this blog, we're able to talk about many different things regarding homicide and what has been going on in our lives since the incident.

It has realy helped me alot, and I'm glad I've found it!

Another blog are my Big Sister's blogs, Thoughts Put into Words, and Unstructured Thoughts of a Demented Optimist. This blog helps me because a) I know what's going on (good and bad) in my older sister's life, and we're able to connect with eachother through blog posts and the comments made on them :)

Thank you both for creating these blogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It’s storming! Thunder, Lightning, the whole shebang! I love thunderstorms, as long s I can watch them from the safety of my home :)

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to lightning filling up the whole sky. I stayed up for a while watching the lighting and listening to the thunderclap and the rain hit my window. I love thunderstorms! :)

I know they can lead to Hail the size of golf balls (or even softballs) or Tornadoes that rip apart a whole town. That's bad... But until things like that happen, I love Thunderstorms!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Check out this awesome idea between Google & Topeka...
The governor of Topeka, Kansas decided to rename the capital city "Google." Google, in honor of this decision, renamed their website "Topeka," starting today, April 1st.

Oh, by the way... this is an APRIL FOOLS joke! Awesome joke to put in newscasts all over the world, isn't it?!

Monday, March 29, 2010

25 Days!

My cousin gets married in 25 days! I’m so excited! I get to go out to San Francisco and see my cousins and my aunt and uncle again! I’m really excited!

(Second time in history all my cousins on my dad’s side will be in the same room at the same time!) :)

It’s also a special day for my cousin that’s 10 years younger than me. It’s Special Friends’ Day at school, and I’ve been invited to go spend the day with her. We’re both really excited about that. I mean, wouldn’t you be excited to be able to go back to being 7 years old again for a day?! Bring on the naptime! Lol! Just kidding.

I’m really excited for my cousin and her fiancé. I can’t wait for him to be part of the family!

25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days!!!!!!!

Yeah I’m a little excited, sorry!

Local News Updates


Junk Food Addiction
Citizens today, according to KCRG’s recent article, may find themselves eating more and more junk food. They say this could be due to an addiction to junk food. They say that once you eat a little, you eventually have to have more and more of it. Ever crave chocolate? This could be why.

Wal-Mart Man Dies
If you haven’t already heard this, there was a man run over in a Wal-Mart parking lot by an elderly lady. She was instructed, after accidentally running him over, to not move her car because it cause more damage. After the police got the elderly lady’s car off the man’s neck, he was rushed to Intensive Care. A few days later, the man died. In my opinion, many people are being more careful and are being more alert when driving through parking lots.

Eighteen-Month Old Baby Dies

I always hate hearing about these. Another baby dying. Personally, I think its Shaken Baby Syndrome again. But we’ll see I guess. Maybe I’ll be wrong. I sure hope so. I feel so bad for that poor little girl. She was so little – she had her life ahead of her. I hope they figure out why this happened and if it was caused by another human being, I hope they are prosecuted with the worst possible sentencing.

Spring Break's Over

Spring Break is over! :(

I had a little bit of fun, but I’m really not happy to be back at school. On Spring Break, all the weight lifted from my shoulders. But now, since school has started again, it’s back on.

I went shopping. A lot. That’s practically all I did over break. Well, at least all of what I can remember!

I also went to a Bed and Breakfast called Mont Rest in Bellevue. It was a lot of fun and I met eight amazing people that I had a lot of fun with. At the Bed and Breakfast, there was also a murder mystery. It turns out three of us were the “murderers.” I guess two out of the three! Better than anyone else! And I was the youngest one there by at least five years!

At this Bed and Breakfast, I got to stay in the tower all by myself. It was a lot of fun because I had to go on a winding staircase in order to get to my room. If you look at the picture, the tower is the round-ish thing on the top of the building. I got to stay up there.

Something interesting I learned about this tower is that it was originally built for poker. Back when the room was built, gambling was illegal. So, they made this room in order to play poker. Back then, the only way to enter the room was from the roof. This made it a good hiding spot because police didn’t think there would be anything on the roof, therefore they never thought they would need to go up there.

Home sweet home, I guess. Bring on the homework! (Please don’t!)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Quotes from the Good Ol' Days

Ok, so when I said quotes from the Good Ol' Days, I didn't necessarily mean the Good Ol' Days. Some of these quotes are from two years ago, where others are from yesterday :)

They all have at least one thing in common though - they make me laugh every time I read them. They may not make sense to you; they may not be funny to you, but to me, they're hillarious. (Warning: Most show my friends', as well as my own, stupidity, and may be a you-just-had-to-be-there coinsidence)

leaving the parking lot after playing tennis:
Me: Look! There's a tennis ball!
Kt: I see it! We're gonna pass it! Wave!
Me: *wave*

Mock Trial: Don't mind the porcupine lady, she's only trying to destroy your witness's credibility

Cameron: I am feeling dizzy
Kyan: Me too
Cameron: You don't even know what dizzy means!
Kyan: Yes I do! I feel dizzy in my ARM!

SK: PHTTTT! That's me sticking my tongue out at you! I'm making the noise! Come on kid smile!

Kt: well he's not getting his valentines gift
Me: yes he is
Kt: well not from me!
Me: well I matter!

Kt: I don't wanna have fish with a sex!

Me: What's root beer in Spanish?
Mom: Fajita!

Kt: ell oh! ell oh! ell oh ell! ell oh! ell oh ell oh ell oh! good-bye

Kt: its 11 kajillion 5 o'clock

Tennis Game
Lindz: the net might be like half an inch to high
Kt: that half an inch makes a difference!
Lindz: okay then
Kt: fifteen all
*throws ball in air*
*ball drops*
Kt: hahaha!
Lindz: what?!
Kt: that’s what she said!
Lindz: huh?!
Kt: that half an inch makes a difference!
Lindz & Kt: *ROFLMFAO*

Steph: I'm just gonna dance on the floor
Me: Hun, that's called humping

Katie, Steph & Me: Arwiel and Erwic got maweed and Fwounder was da bwest man. Sebwastian was dare twoo. and day wived happiwy everw aftwer. thwee end!

Cat: it's a dangerous pathogen!

Amanda M: my (wedding) cake wasn't supposed to look like someone took a chainsaw to it.

Cat: it's diharrea of the fingers!

Amanda M: her suit looks like underwear! the bottoms don't match the top! (at Elmcrest for lunch)

Katie: a backyard sale wedding?! (with Jess)



Carissa: he's just got a bad case of idiot syndrome... I think

Amanda M: let's do a lil hyming, friends!

Chelsea: my penis just got bigger!

Katie: sorry I just fingered your face

Doug: Smerf porn! (talkin about Avatar)

Steph: barbie has a penis!

Cousin Crazies

So like I said in my last post, my birthday is tomorrow. Well, my cousin, who lives in San Francisco and is going to get married in April, wanted to give me something. So instead of talking to my mom about this, she calls me on the phone and asks if there’s a makeup place near me so I can get some new makeup for her wedding. I instantly respond “Ulta”.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I got a card in the mail. It was from Ulta. I opened it up, and sure enough, it was from my cousin Whit. Inside, it said, “Bet you didn’t know what you were getting! :) Love you! –Whit”

Well, I got right on Facebook and wrote on her Wall. I said something along the lines of “I got a card in the mail today. It was from you. How did you know what I wanted? I guess we can read each other’s minds now! Lol. I love you cous! Thanks for the gift card!”

This was just a funny-ish thing I thought I’d share :)

Birthday Girls!

Well, my birthday is tomorrow. I’ll be 17. The cool thing about my birthday, is that it means two of my best friends, as well as another one of our friends, have birthdays coming up. Chels turns 21 on March 21st, Kt turns 22 on March 23rd, and Shay turns 20 on April 1st. We are trying to get together sometime soon to hang out and celebrate our birthdays together. We did this last year – went out to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and exchanged gifts. I hope we can do something like this again this year! It was a lot of fun!

I’m so excited for my birthday, as well as Chels, Kt, and Shay’s. Though, if you haven’t already noticed, I’m the youngest. There are only two of us now that won’t be 21 because Kt will be 22 and Chels will be 21. So this is a little sad because now there’s more of us that are legal to drink, which means us young’ins won’t be able to do AS MUCH stuff with the older girls. Oh well, we will still hang out a lot and have good times like we always have :)

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Weekend With the Boys

This past weekend, I spent the weekend with a friend and her two boys, one in second grade, and the other in preschool.

I had a lot of fun, picking them up from school on Friday, helping their mom get ready for a party that night, hanging out with them Saturday night and all day Sunday.

Going home wasn’t all that fun, though. The boys weren’t too happy to see me go, even though my house is only about twenty minutes away and they see me every single Sunday morning for breakfast at church.

The preschooler really enjoyed messing around with me and, quite honestly, confusing me with all his random subject changes while talking to me.

They all want me to stay with them again soon, and I’m hoping I’m able to do that. Making time to be with friends is one of the best things a girl can do because friends always seem to be what can get you through the rough days.

I loved spending the weekend with the boys and their mom. I’m really hoping to do it again and have another little party with the boys.

Regional Madness

Mock Trial Regionals are this coming Thursday. Last weekend, I attempted to memorize all that I need to memorize, but I wasn’t all that successful. I think I still have kind of a lot of work to do. I’ve tried, though, and I will continue to try to memorize this so I don’t let the team down.

Even though I’m not completely prepared yet, I’m really excited. This is my first year on the Mock Trial team, and I’m really looking forward to this court case.

We’re all hoping we go to state, as every team in any sport or team is. There are a lot of good schools this year, though, but we’ve been working really hard to make it to the top and move on to state.

Twitter Fanatic

Thursday night, my older sister made me get a Twitter account. Well, honestly, I’m now addicted. I used to change my Facebook status about a hundred times a day, it seems. But now, I’m able to update my statuses on Twitter, where people won’t get annoyed with me like they sometimes seem to do on Twitter.

With Twitter, I’m able to “follow” stars like Keith Urban, Katy Perry, and Mandy Moore. I’m also able to “follow” teams like the Chicago Cubs. By doing so, I’m able to learn more about them and learn early about concerts and other productions that are coming up for them.

I think Twitter will soon consume my life a lot like Facebook has. Yes, I say I’m addicted to Twitter now, but I think I will become even more addicted when I start following more people and after I begin to learn a little more about the website.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Gazette Online

This has gone on for way too long.

Can you imagine sitting for months, waiting for answers that should have been answered fourteen months ago? It’s annoying, stressful, and not very pleasant.

At least now we will have our answers.

Just a few more months of waiting.

R.I.P Daddy

Erin's "Face"

Myspace Glitter Graphics -

So my friend Erin has this creepy obsession with the word face. Yeah, that’s right, face. When a conversation gets awkward, or quiet, she says face as loudly as she can, and it makes it more awkward! :) She also says face when she doesn’t know the answer to the question you just asked her, or she has no idea what you just said because to her, it sounded like “blah blah blah,” when, in fact, it was something really important.
She will also reach towards the paper sitting on your desk, find a corner, and write face in big bold letters :)

Even though this is weird, it’s Erin and we all love her, so it’s all good :)

I just have one more thing to say:

From the Eyes of a Homicide Victim

The use of the death penalty in the United States has been discussed and re-discussed throughout all the states with each new debate this country creates. There is much logic behind both sides of this frustrating argument, but not from those who are victims themselves. I am the daughter of a homicide victim. I have more of an insight to what the death penalty really means; an opinion as to whether or not it should be legal here in the United States.

In December of 2008, a trusted “friend” assaulted my dad. He died a few hours later in a hospital bed, tubes running from his body to machines of all shapes and sizes. I was fifteen years old at the time. This experience has helped shape me into the young woman I am now, in both positive and negative ways. It has also caused my peers and other well-wishers I associate with to question my opinions. Many have asked me whether or not the death penalty should be legal in Iowa so they can kill the man that did this. Right now, it is not legal here. I have always stated “no,” without giving my reasoning. Now I’m finally ready to share my opinions on this controversial matter.
The death penalty is only legal in a few places in the United States. Other countries do not use it. These places look down upon the United States, which is considered an “uncivilized nation.” The death penalty is legal in thirty-five of the fifty states in America. The United States Government and Military also use it.

Many supporters of the death penalty say that it gives closure to the victim’s families who have already suffered so much with the murder of a loved one. This is clearly not coming from someone who has a family member that was a victim of a murder. We do not want the death penalty. Families do not find closure through the death of the criminal.

Life in prison is a worse punishment than dying, in the eyes of the families. Many criminals prefer death so they don’t have to live with what they did. But isn’t that what the criminal wants? Don’t they want to get off easy? We want them to suffer; we want them to learn that what they did was wrong. But if we kill them with the death penalty, they learn nothing. All they have received is an easy way out.

The death penalty cannot bring back the loved one, so why do we need it? When we kill people for their crimes, it makes us a little bit more like them, by doing something very similar. It accomplishes nothing, but show that the United States kills people, who kill people, to show that killing is wrong. The state is actually using murder to punish someone who committed murder. Is this right? Does this make sense? No.

Our justice system shows more sympathy for its criminals than it does its victims. Many people don’t realize this, though, until a loved one is murdered. Only then does one learn of the justice system’s misplaced sympathy. It puts the criminal out of his misery, where the victim’s family is still left angry and hurt. The victim will never be completely pain free, whether the death penalty is used or not. But to me, the knowledge that the criminal is sitting in prison with nothing to do, but think about what he did, is better than knowing he’s buried in a cemetery somewhere, feeling and learning nothing about what he did.

I believe the death penalty should be abolished worldwide. The United States is the only country still using it. It is meant to be a threat to the citizens, by telling them that if they do something wrong, the government will kill you for your wrong doings. This solves nothing. Citizens of the states where the death penalty is still legal, don’t care. They still murder, regardless of the consequences of being put on death row. In reality, it is no threat. It’s an easy way out. With the death penalty, the criminals are aware that this would mean they wouldn’t be spending their life in prison

It is actually less expensive to hold a criminal in prison for life than it is to execute them using the death penalty. The extra costs have very little to do with the costs of the actual execution, but rather with the legal costs. To house seven inmates for life, on average, it would cost less than one million dollars. To execute those same seven men, it would cost well over two hundred million dollars in legal fees. The actual drug injected into the criminal costs only eighty-six dollars. But with the option of the death penalty, the trial must decide two different matters, instead of one, like it would with no option of the death penalty. One way, is to decide the verdict of guilty or innocent, and the other is to decide the penalty.

An appeal can be made, even after a criminal is killed with the death penalty. If through this appeal, the person is found innocent through new evidence that has been found, it is already too late. The government has killed an innocent person. This wouldn’t happen if they had just put the person in jail for life, without any chance of parole.

The death penalty should be abolished in all places in America, because it accomplishes nothing, but show that the United States government kills people, who kill people, to show that killing is wrong. The death penalty costs more than it does to keep a criminal imprisoned for life. This is not right. It never will be. Therefore, coming from the perspective of a family member of a victim of homicide herself, the death penalty should be abolished.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hurry Home: Jason Michael Carroll

Hurry Home: Jason Michael Carroll

Sorry, I know I keep posting videos. But I had to post this one. It's just so moving. It shows unconditional love towards the daughter, explaining that she can always come home and feel loved, no matter what.

It doesn't matter what you've done, I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been, you can still come home
And honey if it's you, we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home

Then, by the end of the song, there’s a happy little ending. The daughter calls, even though she isn’t sure she can come back home. When she calls, the dad isn’t home. But she hears his message on the answering machine and decides so come home.

He walked in just in time to hear her say
Dad, I'm on my way

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Why Don't We Just Dance: Josh Turner

Why Don’t We Just Dance: Josh Turner

I absolutely love this music video!

Baby why don't we just turn that TV off?
315 channels of nothing but bad news on
Well it might be me
But the way I see it
The whole wide world has gone crazy.
So baby why don´t we just dance?

Just a little bitty living room ain't gonna look like much.
But when the lights go down and we move the couch
It´s gonna be more than enough
For my two left feet
And our two hearts beatin'
Nobody´s gonna see us go crazy.
So baby why don't we just dance
Down the hall
Maybe straight up the stairs?
Bouncing off the wall
Floating on air
Baby why don't we just dance?

Baby why don't you go put your best dress on
And those high heeled shoes you love to lose
As soon as the tunes come on?
On second thought
Just the way you are
Is already driving me crazy.
So baby why don't we just dance
Down the hall
Maybe straight up the stairs?
Bouncing off the wall
Floating on air
Baby why don't we just dance?

Well it might be me
But the way I see it
The whole wide world has gone crazy.
So baby why don't we just dance
[Bouncing off the walls floating on air]
Oh baby [baby] why don't we just dance?

Time Flies - But Not Always When You're Having Fun

Time can fly at times.
Or it can decide to go really slow.

I’ve seen both in the past 14 months.

Time can fly, while I’m standing completely still, watching the world zoom on past. This annoys me, because I get behind, I get stressed, and I begin to wonder what I’m going to do to keep up with this swiftness I can’t seem to keep up with.

Time can go really slow, like when you’re waiting to go out with friends, or waiting for a vacation, or even waiting for the school bell to ring at the end of the day. But I tend to feel like time’s tempo is racing, where mine is just walking behind it, trying to keep up.

What if this never changes? What if I’m always struggling to keep up with life, instead of keeping in pace of it, or even being a little ahead? What would happen to me? Would I eventually give up, never trying again to catch up with the madness?

One never knows. I guess I have to just try not to give up; try to get ahead. But with all I’m trying to do, with all that has happened in my family in the past 14 months, this will be difficult. But all I can do is try, right?

Test Stress!

I’ve been so stressed lately – I have a huge AP US History test tomorrow. And I was busy last night, so couldn’t study the whole time. And tonight I’m busy too. I will probably be up late trying to learn all the material – it’s over six chapters of history! That’s like over 90 years of stuff crammed into one test!

On top of what I had going on last night, my sister needed my help because she was having a difficult time with some stuff. I really couldn’t do anything, so I sent her to a friend… I had studying to do if I didn’t want to be grounded for the rest of my life! So yeah I felt a little bad about that. Then, I also found out this morning that my boyfriend needed me because he was having a difficult time at work. Let’s just say last night was NOT a good night.

And tonight I will be very anti-social while trying to cram for a test. This should be fun!!!!!!! Wish me luck!
I’ve been so stressed lately – I have a huge AP US History test tomorrow. And I was busy last night, so couldn’t study the whole time. And tonight I’m busy too. I will probably be up late trying to learn all the material – it’s over six chapters of history! That’s like over 90 years of stuff crammed into one test!

On top of what I had going on last night, my sister needed my help because she was having a difficult time with some stuff. I really couldn’t do anything, so I sent her to a friend… I had studying to do if I didn’t want to be grounded for the rest of my life! So yeah I felt a little bad about that. Then, I also found out this morning that my boyfriend needed me because he was having a difficult time at work. Let’s just say last night was NOT a good night.

And tonight I will be very anti-social while trying to cram for a test. This should be fun!!!!!!! Wish me luck!

Monday, January 25, 2010


You know, in just thirteen months, I lost my father to murder, my grandma to lymphoma, and my uncle to complications with his diabetes. In that same thirteen months, I stood by one of my best friends as she cried at her little brother’s funeral: he died in a car accident. I’ve also stood by my grandpa, one of the strongest men I know. After losing his son and his wife, my grandpa also lost his brother, all in the same thirteen months I’ve been talking about. These deaths happened between December of 2008 and January of 2010.

My question has always been, “Why? Why my family? Why me?” Maybe I’m being selfish – I don’t exactly know. All I know is that I’m not strong enough to loose all these people, especially my dad. I was a daddy’s girl – I always have been, always will be.

I can go to church every Sunday, but that doesn’t make me the Christian I used to be. Due to these thirteen months, my faith has changed a lot. I question almost everything that comes my way regarding my faith and my beliefs.

Maybe there’s something I should learn from this – what immediately pops into my head is this: I should learn that life is a gift, not a right. But that seems too easy. It seems like it’s the obvious answer to all this.

Maybe it’s that I have learned who my real friends are. But again, that seems too easy. I guess I sit, wait, and find out… It’s all I can really do…

Blah Blah Blah: Ke$ha

My sister has me addicted to this song now. We tend to say “blah blah blah” a lot to each other when we are annoyed. So now, we just sometimes randomly decide to sing it instead of say it :)
So I guess this is a shout out to my sister – the next time I get annoyed with you, I’m sending you here to listen to this song and read this message!

“Stop ta-ta-talking that
Blah blah blah”

Gotta Keep Moving: Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think this song really explains my life – sometimes I just want to get out of this town – I want to just speed past those white lines on the highway and get out of town. Sometimes I want out. But I guess what keeps me back here is my boyfriend – the realization that if I leave, I’m being selfish. So I stay here, until the day he decides he wants to go with me…

“I gotta keep moving
With the white lines on the highway
Watchin' every mile go by
The silos and the by-ways
Gotta keep moving
Cause it's been way too long”

Let’s Talk About my Lack of Ability to Think…

Alright – right now I have NO IDEA what to talk about. I have literally no idea. Therefore, I’m just going to blabber on for a few minutes and maybe something useful will come out of my mouth…

Ok, so the Vikings lost last night to the Saints – bummer! I’m not too happy! 3rd or 4th quarter (I can’t remember) Brett Favre got hurt. But he was back in approximately 3 minutes of game time later. So that’s good, I guess. :)

I was supposed to stay with a friend and her parents this weekend to just hang out, but sadly it didn’t work out, so I was left home, bored, with pretty much nothing to do! :(

The Band Carnival was on Saturday. I worked at the game “Pirate Pond” aka “Duck Pond.” The problem with this, though, the ‘water’ was a table covered with a blue tarp – there was no water! This caused kids to be like “wtf” and walk right on by the game. So that was an interesting hour and a half – sitting there watching my friends have fun and be crazy, while I’m sitting at a semi-lame game! Oh well, I won a candy bar at “Walk the Plank” aka “Candy Walk” right after I was done running “Pirate Pond.”

Well, that's all I can think of for now! More later!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

General Larry Platt!

Ok, for those of you that haven't seen this (and I'm sure all of you have), here's the song everone is talking about!

Pants on the Ground by General Larry Platt

This 62 year old man tried out for American Idol 2010, singing his very own song.

Simon said it would be a hit - he was right. Less than 24 hours later, Pants on the Ground played on radio stations. 24 hours later, there was a Facebook group (that, today, reached 1 million members). 24 hours later, Pants on the Ground became a new song on my iPod (the whole American Idol interview, actually!)

This guy is 62 - and according to Simon, he's "a little over the age limit of 28." In my opinion, this guy should go to Hollywood! So American Idol didn't get him there - so what! He's prolly being asked to sign a record deal right now through some other random company!

Mid Term Madness!

Ahh! It’s midterms! And let me tell you, my grades are terrible! (Ok, so terrible in my eyes!)

Conferences were tonight. And my mom saw my grades. She just said I needed to work a little harder.

So, I grounded myself.

My life will now consist of school, extra curriculars, a little bit of sleep as well as food, and studying.

I will give myself a free day – Saturday – to be with friends and with my boyfriend.

In my eyes, this isn’t extreme at all. This is what I need to do to get into law school. Law school will not accept C’s. Heck, I don’t even know if they will accept B’s!

My boyfriend, on the other hand, thinks this is extreme. He’s one of those abnormal people that can read something once and do fine on a test. I, on the other hand, need hours and hours and hours of time to study – time that I don’t have (and if I have the time, I spend it doing other things). Well, now I’m going to find that time, even if it is at three o’clock in the morning. I’m going to do well in school, no matter what it takes.

I want to be a lawyer – this is the price I pay.

Trial Date Set!

Finally! The trial date has been set! It has been postponed five or six times for various reasons…

I’m really happy because the judge finally said this would be the last time she would allow for a postponement. This means that this is the trial date, whether the defense is ready or not. :) :)

I have a lot of work to do to get ready for this trial, but at least I have almost four months to prepare and get ready for this whole thing. I’m ready for this to be over – I’m ready for my life to be out of the press and out of the public eye. I’m looking forward to this trial, mainly for that reason – to have some privacy!

Bad Influence?!

I walk to the pop machine at 10:10am yesterday at church, talking with a few of my friends, one a mom, Jenny*, and one a girl two years younger than me, Lauren*. Sunday school started at 10:00, but I wanted a pop, so decided to go there before going to my class. Then, out walks Lauren’s mom, furious that her daughter isn’t to Sunday school on time, even though the service that was supposed to get done at 10:00 got done at 10:05. She blames the whole thing on me, saying I’ve skipped before and that I’m a bad influence to her daughter and to another friend of mine that’s four years younger than me.

My immediate response was, “WTF!?” I just ignored it and walked to Sunday school.

The, last night, I had youth group. Lauren’s mom was there, glaring at me the whole two hours I was there. I wanted to confront her, but I couldn’t pull her away from the group long enough. She knew I was mad, because I just glared right back at her and didn’t say anything to her the whole night.

I was NOT a happy person last night and actually ended up getting mad at a few people on Facebook once I got home because I was in such a bad mood…

I decided to choose this song to put up in my blog because I just needed a little Screamo. I needed a little pick-me-up; an easy way to try to release the anger…

*names have been changed

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Undo It - Carrie Underwood

This song has nothing to do with what I wan't to talk about, but some way, somehow, I feel like it relates to my life, even if others don't see it.

“You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it”

KP (the guy that killed my dad) stole my happy. He has made me cry – still does.
I want to undo everything that has happened. But I can’t. I don’t’ have that power.

My friends tell me I can’t give him the power to ruin me like he ruined my dad – that he can’t destroy two people. But it’s difficult. My make up has gotten darker, I have done things I never would have done if my dad were still here. I present myself differently than I did before my dad was killed. I cared more then than I do now. I dressed differently. I didn’t let the small things bother me. But now, I don’t care, I dress and look in ways I never thought I would, and the small things bother me. More times than not, I find myself getting mad at the small stuff and wanting to punch something or someone – a wall, a window - it doesn’t matter as long as I get the anger out of my body and into physical pain.

So this is for you KP – no matter what anyone tells you, I have changed. It’s your fault. You will never, EVER be forgiven for what you did to my dad, as well as for what you have done to me because of that night.

The Amazing Adventures of Dakota, Lindsay, and Erin

So my friend Dakota and I have spent the last three days (second hour) watching our friend Erin make funny comics of our lives :) They are simple stick figure comics, and you can only tell people apart from height and hair. In the comics, we are constantly thinking the others are crazy and teasing each other. Erin and I are known in these comics for making fun of Dakota being freakishly tall. Dakota and I are known in these comics for being weirded out by Erin’s craziness. Dakota and Erin are known for hiding in boxes to avoid my anger problems.

These comics make us seriously laugh out loud. And we almost get into trouble every day.

Erin is the fabulous draw-er of these comics, and Dakota and I help her with ideas.

Dakota is known for being too tall – Erin makes him hunched over to fit into the panel and he is always complaining about not being able to fit through the doors. Also, he is too tall to fall into a bottomless pit – his feet get cold from being so far underground, while his head and arms are still sticking up above ground.
Erin is known for being crazy – she eats signs and boxes and does random dances with robots.
I am known for having very extreme anger problems – I go after a preppy girl with the sharpened end of a guard flag while Dakota and Erin hide in the “Box of Safety.” :)

My friends are crazy, and maybe a little dangerous because of their degree of sanity, but we have tons of fun anyway :P

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Revised Essay Numero Dos

Here we go again... Another revised essay. I've written what I want to write. But now, I'm not sure what else to say in my essay. I want it a little longer. But I'm stuck. I'm not sure where to go from here, sadly.

I like what I've written, but now I just don't know. I'm scared to put some of the things I want to put. My experiences as daughter of a murder victim. The death penalty isn't legal here in Iowa, but people still walk up to me and ask, "Don't you wish Iowa had the death penalty so they could kill the guy and have it over and done with?!" My answer has always been, "no," as I walk away and whisper my response. Well, here's my explanation. Here's my reasoning.

Once the essay is done I promise to put it online. But until then, you're left wondering what this girl has written this time :P

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tiger Woods

Ok, so I just HAVE to rant about this. It’s necessary.

So AP Lang yesterday, I read an article about Tiger Woods. Some of them talked about how he has his right to privacy. This is right, but seriously, he knows he will be in the midst of the public eye. He knows that every little thing he does, good and bad, is broadcasted around the world.

There were some valid points made about this topic and with everything Tiger Woods has done, but seriously, we all think that he has to explain what he did and why. But really, we all only assume this. Really, he has to explain nothing to us. But with how our press works today, when nothing is said, they make things up, and naturally, we believe it, only because there’s nothing telling us otherwise. And even when the wrongdoer in fact, says things, they still change the story to suit the needs and to catch the attention of the readers or listeners.

My dad loved Tiger Woods when he was still here. Sometimes all this coverage by the press about the “bad side” of Tiger Woods makes me wonder what he would be thinking if he were still here. I’m sure he’d still love him as a golfer, but I’m not sure what he’d say about all that’s going on. He would probably say that over half of it is false, but only because it really is. The press changes everything, whether it’s big or small…

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


My friend’s dad introduced actually me to this song by Michael Bublé. I’ve grown closer to my friend’s parents and they know a lot about what has gone on with me since my dad died.

"Because you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost"

This family has helped me a lot with moving on with my life since my dad died. They've showed me that people care and that others can feel my pain.
They know some of what I'm going through, and we are able to grieve together.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Revised Essay #2

I have NO IDEA what to write about for the second revised essay we have to write for my AP Lang class. Seriously, I have absolutely no idea what to write about. The first draft is due a week from today. I have NO IDEA what I’m going to write about!

There’s so much going on in my life that I could easily write about, but none of it is finished – I would have no way to end my essay. It would end without an ending, almost like its ending mid-sentence. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I’m going to write about.


1) Law – pick some random case that interests me and write about it – that could be really boring to readers
2) My friends – that would be easy, but I’m not sure I have enough to go off of
3) My dad – I did that for the first revised essay we had to write…
4) Lymphoma – my grandma died from that – I could do that – this is a possibility!!!
5) Non-Violence – maybe???

I guess right now, the only “good” option is lymphoma. So I guess I’ll get to work with that…

Here we go – be prepared for the worst essay I’ve ever written…!

AH HA! I've got it!
"Should the death penalty be legal or not?"

:D :) :P
Yay, I now feel sucessful!
Now I just have to write it...
Here we go...