Thursday, December 17, 2009

Elf Yourself!

Check out this funny video of my friends and me :D
Seriously, it's hillarious. Just the thought of my friends being able to do this kind of stuff is making me fall out of my chair laughing!

About Me – FINALLY!

I sit here, wondering what to write about:
Work?.........Really boring (really, you have no idea).
Friends?......I just did that.
My Dad?......I feel like I do that too much already.

Maybe for once I’ll just write about me.

I’m 16 years old and a junior in High School. I play the flute in band at my school, I’m in color guard (we perform at football games in the fall and basketball games in the winter), I’m on the swim team, I’m on the tennis team, I’m very active in my church (I’m on the board of deacons, I sing the in adult choir, and I am active in the youth program in my church), and I love hanging with my friends.

In the past year, I’ve realized that things (people included) should not be taken for granted. I’ve learned that, in an instant, the life you once knew can be taken away from you, never to return.

I guess the next thing to talk about is this. I’m suffering from a minor-ish case of depression. I’m working it out, I wear my mask pretty well, but I’m still not the same person I was a year ago – before my dad died.

Well, that’s all I have time for right now. I will post more about myself if you want in a later post, but I’m telling you, my life is pretty dull! :)

Fabulous Friends

I thought it would be worth while to blog about my two best friends. They mean so much to me; why not dedicate a blog or two about them?

I sometimes sit and wonder what my life would be like if I’d never met my two best friends. They were there for me when my dad died. They’ve been there for me every time something has gone wrong, as well as every time something has gone right in my life.

We’ve always been by each other’s side, through breakups, deaths, and other catastrophes that come along in our lives.

Without my friends, I wonder where I’d be today. I wonder if I would have made it through the breakups; the fights with my boyfriend; the death of my father, my uncle, and my grandma.

I hope I never lose those two girls that I’ve grown so close to over the years. If I do, I’m not sure how I’ll survive. They’re here for me at any hour of the day and night, ready to calm me down and help me out.

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Ringing in My Ears

A year ago tomorrow. The date rings in my ears. A year ago tonight he was assaulted. A year ago tomorrow he died. That’s hard to live with. I’m dreading the day, the hour, the minute, the very second the anniversary comes. It doesn’t seem like that long ago. It doesn’t seem like he’s been gone this long. That’s a good thing, right?

Tomorrow will be tough for me. But I’m going out with two of my best friends that have been standing by me through this whole thing for dinner in an attempt to clear my head. I doubt it will work, but it will at least be a bit of a distraction.

I still think about my dad every second of every day. I wonder what he’s thinking as he’s watching over me. I wonder what he’d say to me if he were with me. But I will never know. Not until I’m up there with him. Part of me hopes that’s soon, but part of me knows that it will be a long time from now because I know my dad wants to watch me live out my life better and longer than he had the opportunity to. It’s hard to want to grant the wishes that I know he has. But I’m pushing forward the best I can.

I got home from work this afternoon to find a box from my aunt along with a note.

Inside the box was a Christmas ornament with a little card that had a little poem on it. The Christmas ornament had the last stanza of the poem engraved in it. The little card said this:

Merry Christmas from Heaven

I still hear the songs,
I still see the lights
I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares
I’ll eve remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace
I cam here before you to help set your place

You don’t have to be perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb

To my family and friends,
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you,
In a new special way

I love you all dearly,
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.

The card from my aunt said that she thought it sounded exactly like something my dad would say to me.

Things like this in my life keep me pushing on. Things like this keep me from straying further from the path I was meant to take with my life. Things like this help remind me that my dad is still watching over me, even if I can’t see him here with me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

(: Sledding :)

Yesterday my big sis and I went sledding over at my neighbor’s house. They have a huge hill and every year we build a ramp and such and it makes sledding a ton of fun.

Well yesterday it was windy and really cold and my big sis and I were both really tired of going all the way down the hill and having to walk all the way back up it to go and do the same thing again. We both said that the hill needed stairs at the least, maybe even a ski lift.

Either way, sledding was a lot of fun. It got a little cold in the end, with a very close range “snow ball fight” (the snow was really fluffy and not able to be packed).

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


S-N-O-W D-A-Y-S!!!

Ok, so it's not as bad as this picture, but it's still pretty bad!!!

There have been two snow days so far. Today and yesterday. Yesterday I think could have passed as a two hour delay and we would have been fine. But right now I’m b-o-r-e-d! My mom has got me cooking and cleaning and all I want to do is waste my day away on Facebook or sitting in front of the fireplace. Will the snow days ever end? Will I ever go back to school? Part of me wants to go back because of how bored I am. But another part of me wants to just sit here for the rest of my life and watch the snow blow across my front yard. But I can’t really have it both ways, so I guess; I guess I’ll go back to school. I just hope that’s soon so I can stop being so bored!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Living in the Past

You know what I realized? I’m living my life in the past. The day before my dad died to be exact. It was the day before my world came to an end; the day before my dad was murdered. In my opinion, his death hasn’t fully hit me, especially the murdered portion of the story.

The naive part of me still thinks he will be standing at the front door like he did the Saturday before he died, giving me a hug and telling me he loves me. But the reality part of me knows that just won’t happen.

Sometimes the phone rings and I still want to ask my mom if it was Daddy on the other line. Sometimes I don’t even register that it’s impossible for him to be the one calling. Other times I know it’s not him.

I feel like I’m living like the day before my dad died, like his death never really happened. I’m still in the sense that he’s going to come home, his car parked in my driveway, but I had to sell his car. I still think he’s going to call me on the phone and tell me he went on a long vacation, but I saw him in that hospital bed, I saw the death certificate, I saw the news on television and in the paper. This tragedy is real whether I face it or not.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Yeah, I Can Ramble On For Quite Some Time!

I don’t know: I just started typing... this is what came out:

I’m still my daddy’s little girl. No matter what happens; no matter who crosses my mind, he’s still there, allowing me to hold on to the memories that I never want to lose. I will never forget my daddy. These memories will never fade. My bond with him can only grow stronger as I sit here each day, thinking about what could have been if that night hadn’t happened. But wishing won’t change the past. I know that. But sometimes it’s all that keeps me going anymore – all that I have to live for – making him proud. But then again, am I doing that? Am I making him proud? Or am I changing my life so drastically that he can’t recognize me; changing so quickly that he can’t see that I’m still the little girl he was forced to leave? I love my daddy. And I know he always loved me and that he still does. But sometimes I wonder if the changes I’ve made in my life are what really need to happen.

Will You Comfort Me?

I wrote this a few weeks ago when my friend that I talked about in a previous blog was suicidal again:

Will You Comfort Me?

You see my pain – will you stop it?
You see my tears –will you comfort me?
You see the changes I’ve made – will you acknowledge them?
You see my scars – will you show me you care before it’s too late?

You see that I need help – yet I receive little.

You watch me cry and all you do is sit there, staring.
You watch me tear myself to pieces and all you do is watch me fall apart.

You watch me as my life crumbles to pieces. There’s nothing you can do, but still, I wait.

I wonder, sometimes, if this is what I’m going to be like forever.
I wonder, sometimes, if this is all I will ever remember of these years.
I wonder, sometimes, if this is going to kill me.

Maybe I want it to.
Maybe I don’t.

I’m not exactly sure anymore.


What’s the best thing to do when you can’t talk? Write! Yeah, that’s right. I lost my voice today due to the flu I caught from my mom earlier this week. I stayed home from school today. And let me tell you – I’m BORED!

I thought I would be able to keep myself busy with television, Facebook, and everything else that I normally do when I’m extremely bored. But it’s mid-day! Everyone is at school and Facebook has three people on it, all at work that can’t talk but get on Facebook just because they can! I’m tearing my hair out trying to figure out what to do! I’ve tried sleeping, but it just isn’t happening! I already did the homework that I could that’s due tomorrow, I don’t know what to do and its not even noon-thirty!

What is a bored, sick girl to do? Ahhh! Today just needs to be over with so I can go back to school tomorrow! (Hopefully!)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Sickness is NOT Fun!

So I woke up this morning to find that I caught what my mom has been out with since Friday. The flu.

I have a headache, probably a little fever, my eyes and neck hurt, and I have a cough that sounds like I’m killing a cow (yeah, that was meant to be funny). I’m freezing cold with a sweatshirt on as well as a blanket, and my homework just doesn’t understand that I need it to learn how to do itself tonight so I can just relax and watch television, and maybe take a really long nap.

I can’t skip school any time soon, though, regardless of how I feel, emotionally as well as physically, because I just don’t like that feeling of being behind in my classes. My sister told me to take tomorrow off because I will only end up getting worse and having to take more off from school. But right now, that isn’t exactly an option. The new term just started and I need to start out ahead. Not behind. My sister also said that I should take the day off so I don’t infect the whole rest of the school. Well, to be honest, I don’t care! My education is more important to me! I don’t want that feeling of being behind in my classes, I don’t want that feeling of just not being able to get anything done because I’m overly stressed out.

I have the flu. And I absolutely hate it! I hope it goes away soon! :(