Thursday, October 22, 2009

Walking Through the Motions

It’s exactly what I’m doing – walking through the motions of my life. I have been doing so ever since my dad died just ten months ago. I was beginning to bring my life back to the “norm” when I heard of my uncle’s (my mom’s brother’s) death when out to lunch with friends on Labor Day of this year. I began walking through the motions of my life even more when I found out about a week ago that my grandma has only a few days to a few weeks of life left

I’ve found I care about homework less, even though after my dad’s death, I decided I wanted to go to law school to become a prosecuting attorney. I’ve also found that I just try to get through my days without anything bad happening to myself or to anyone I love.

Losing two people that are close to you in ten months and finding out that one more doesn’t have much time left is rough. It causes one to wonder what they did wrong, how they can prevent these things from happening. I know I can’t prevent these things, but I still wonder.

I wonder what would have happened had I been in a different place the night my dad died. I wonder what would have happened had I been home instead of out with friends the morning they found my uncle sitting on his couch. I wonder what would have happened had I been there when they said my grandma’s cancer had spread to her brain.

All in all, my question is this: could I have made a difference? I guess I’ll never know.

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